Solitude is a Master Teacher

Getting over feeling awkward doing things by ourselves

I love this photo I took of a guy taking himself on a little solo-date picnic by the Seine. Paris 2024.

Solitude is a master teacher. When I moved to New York City in the suffocating July heat of 2017, one of the greatest obstacles I overcame was the awkwardness of doing things alone.

It was a time of many firsts where I found myself eating at nice restaurants alone, exploring Manhattan alone, going to work alone, to wine bars alone, to the gym alone, and taking trains upstate alone. I realized that I didn’t know anyone in the city and had to build routines and life by myself.

As a twenty-year-old, there are many feelings of awkwardness, but perhaps one of the greatest is sitting at a restaurant by yourself. Do you go on your phone and pretend to text someone? Do you pretend to look busy and check your email? Do you put on headphones and fill the silence with noise?

I don’t know why but at the time it felt so self-conscious to be by yourself. It’s like everyone around you is cool and have friends or dates, except you. It feels like everyone is watching or judging you for being alone… or at least that’s what it used to feel like to me.

Flash forward to December 2024 at sunset a friend and I were having drinks at the Disney Riviera Resort. As we sipped on Aperol spritz, I noticed an older man behind us who was sitting by himself. There was no phone in sight, and he looked pleasant and content just munching on his bread and sipping his red wine. He looked around at the tables, watched the sun go down, and ate his meal with a look of stillness and satisfaction. He certainly was enjoying himself. He seemed at peace with his own company.

Books are companions you can always count on

That’s very unlike what I felt the first time I remember sitting down at a nice restaurant all by myself. Suddenly all the awkwardness is magnified. What do you do with your hands, where do you look, how do you act? Without something to occupy ourselves with we become extremely self-conscious. (When in fact no one is paying attention to us at all.)

In New York eight years ago I managed to overcome the self-inflicted awkwardness and learned not only to be by myself, but to actually enjoy it. Adjusting took a few weeks but eventually I became fond of my solo-activities like going to museums, sitting on park benches, going to concerts, and even having picnics— all with just me, myself, and I. Sure it took a bit of courage at the beginning, but soon I learned to value the freedom and autonomy.

The art of being alone in New York prepared me later on to solo-travel around Europe, Asia, Australia, and Latin America on my own. It gives us a sense of confidence, empowerment, and autonomy.

Not to say it isn’t important to spend time with others, but learning to be on our own is actually a gift. We can find peace in the solitude of our thoughts, observe the world around us, strike up conversations with strangers at the bar, get lost in a good book, write in a notebook, or sit with your own thoughts (which is very important, but very rare nowadays).

In less than two weeks I turn 29, and I’m pleased to say I got over the “feeling awkward doing things by myself” stage that I first felt when I moved to New York City as a twenty-year-old. Maybe for us introverts being alone is sometimes easier than being with other people. But we too fall into the trap of mindlessly being on our phones just to feel like we are doing something productive and not allow ourselves the immersion into solitude.

We each have our ways of being alone, but my preference is books. I have a habit of bringing a book everywhere I go and find companionship in the pages. I’ve noticed in cities like New York and Paris people make an art of being alone. It’s not rare to see people on solo-dates to museums, cafes, and picnics by the Seine. Obviously there are times when enjoying the company of others is important, but so is quality “me time.”

I encourage all of us to go out once in a while on our own. Put down the phone, look up, and observe the world around us. Maybe bring a notebook and write, or draw, or read a book. Maybe just let our thoughts wander, look at the world around us and enjoy our own company without judgement.

Curious how do you feel about spending time by yourself? Is it easy or difficult? What are your go-to distractions when you’re by yourself?